I was sitting late one night recently when spontaneous laughter came on me from a source that I can only say was not me. At least it was not me that I typically refer to as me.
It was still me but it felt more like I was in observation of it rather than expressing it. I was not the one doing the laughing, yet I was.
It has happened before several times. Often when I am alone, in fact, always when I am alone. It's as if something else takes over command of the ship.
So I took the opportunity to write what I felt. Here's what came out. It's called Spontaneous Laughter.
Spontaneous laughter came on me
The evening late as I contemplated thee
Alone in the quiet of my solitude
Thoughts rambling as I looked for you
Left alone was I, it was only me
Sitting here drinking tea
Ok so it wasn't tea, I tell a lie
Twas Dada I admit to you with a wry
Smile on my face as a tear came down
My cheek unaccompanied by a frown
For I laughed aloud unbeknownst to me
The reason was not yet plain to see
But in the absence of curiosity came
The answer to this an amusing game
In which I dwelled consumed by laughter
As I read aloud that which I thought thereafter
Absurd you see for in that drunken space
With Dada as my only Grace
A realisation that which came at once
The truth to this half-drunken dunce
That it and I are in fact one
Wine or not the truth be done
That unified I will someday be
With that which laughs out loud with me
When I'm off guard late of easy mind
With Dada that I quickly find
Insobriety allows my master
bring out in me spontaneous laughter
Whose wonder that is often hidden
From you and me the truth forbidden
But late am I and intoxicated
Free from the place where I am castigated
By those to whom I must perform
A superficial show to appease the norm
A sketch of me born from fear
For it is that makes laughter disappear
But gladly this is not the case
When we're alone in that private space
With Dada, you and I can be thereafter
Engaged in beautiful spontaneous laughter
I LOVE that line: “A superficial show to appease the norm”. Been doing that a lot lately. Though I carry within me an all-consuming realization of the futility of hopes and dreams (having been disillusioned so many times and now just accept a peaceful resignation to fate), I don’t want to burst the bubbles of younger people around me who still think they can win at the game of life. So, yes, many times my engagement in conversations is just a “superficial show”, but I’m learning to be a pretty good actress nonetheless!
And that’s exactly it! You are the actress and I am the actor. Knowing that, understanding this is all a game we get to play it as such without getting hung up on results. The play will soon be over so best to enjoy it while it lasts.