Self Identity & Inner Conflict
I’m asking myself “what’s the point defending myself here?”
It’s not a defeatist question, rather it’s “hold fire for a minute, there’s something not quite right here”.
It’s a self identity thing, who am I kind of self talk. You know when someone voices an opinion of you, or your performance.
I was going to use the word “ego” but I’ll choose something else because we have a very mixed up notion of what ego is.
I’ll use the word “me” instead.
So here I am with this resistance building up, this explanation, this defence to my me at the ready.
“Fuck that shit” me says. “I’m not having that. Who do they think they are telling me I’m all that?! What the fuck do they know?!”
“They don’t know who I am and what I’m capable of. They don’t know the road I’ve been down and what I’ve done”.
“Fuck them, I’ll show them”, me says.
Me is under threat, wounded, challenged and whatever happens me is going to defend itself.
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I’m Not Sure Where I’m Going
Striving, trying to get somewhere, to make things happen is exhausting, both mentally and physically.
These days I’m not sure where I’m going and I don’t really care.
There was a time when I cared, in fact it was imperative that me was going somewhere and that me strived to make it there every single day.
I was building a particular self identity, a big me and I didn’t even know it.
Everything I did was to get to that place, to that idea of the me that I thought I wanted. Well, to be truthful I did want it.
It’s a big mix of crazy self talk, self double talk, doubt, anxiety and inner turmoil.
How the fuck do you make sense of it?
Most of us are built up in this idea of ourselves, the me that we are. It’s everything we do and even varys between what we do and with who.
Woe betide anyone who threatens me.
No one is safe, not even the people we love. Husbands, wives, children, parents, work colleagues even ourselves. Threaten the me and someone is going to get it big time.
So I (as distinct from me) started asking questions, and the me didn’t have answers. Slowly but surely the me got smaller and the I got bigger.
It took time but eventually the I began to come up front, and the me drifted to the back.
That’s the way it should be.