What Is Its True Purpose of Parent Child Relationship?

A little while ago I wrote on the parent child relationship in this article about kids and creativity.

I wrote about how we often react predictably and irrationally to our kids' behaviour without much self control. Even after the fact we tend to rationalise our own behaviour as necessary and proper.

I should say here that we can't fake self control. Well, maybe we can for a short while but it doesn't last.

What we really feel and think is projected outwards for anyone with a reasonably well tuned bullshit detector to read.

You'll see it as a passive aggressive response of the parent to their child, especially in public. There's an overemphasis on detailed instruction so that everyone can hear just how calm they are in the face of public humiliation.

Restaurants and cafés where particular etiquette is essential are prime ground for this.

I remember when my kids were very young, eating out struck fear in the heart of me and my wife. There's just no predicting what your two year old will do next!

The core problem here for us parents is that we're not really in tune with our children. These subdued, over emphasised over rational responses to their behaviour in public are a sign of that.

Many of us are more concerned about how we are perceived by others around us than about what we're building with our kids.

Know what I mean?

A Question On Twitter

I recently tweeted that article on kids & creativity and a follower of my stuff sent me a question that prompted me to write this article today.

Hi Larry, What's a better way to respond when your in the momemt and it's their 20th time asking?

— Morgan Vann Phillips🎄 (@HalfBakedMirth) December 10, 2017

Time is a problem for most of us in this western society. We never seem to have enough.

I'm no different.

I get caught up in the mindset that I don't have enough too, then I pass it on to my kids. In the morning before school for example I'm rushing them out the door. I've no time for conversation.

How can this be good?

When we don't have the time to engage with them, when we are preoccupied with more important things, their insistence for something can really push our buttons.

You know, the problem is really with us.

A Personal Example

It's difficult to write an article on the parent child relationship without coming across as nauseously righteous. If I do then I didn't do a good job.

So the best way for me to remain as sincere and honourable an observer as possible is to offer a personal story.

So here you go…

Bedtime is a particularly challenging time of day in our house. The boys' (10 and 11) excitability factor shoots through the roof after 8:30pm.

They'll go out of their way to do anything and everything to avoid going up the stairs. And when they finally do, mayhem usually ensues. They are like two baby elephants charging around the bedroom.

Although challenging for me and their mother, this is the nature of their boyhood development. But after much trial and error I found a solution. One I'll share with you in a bit.

A few years ago, back in the bad old days of the 2008/9 crash, I was busy trying to keep a dying business alive. As such their bedroom antics were a particular test.

I'd take the evenings to price and invoice work and so I'd be up late in my office beside where they sleep.

At that time there was a lot of pressure and I had a distinct lack of direction and personal control. As such it didn't take much for me to lose my cool.

They were just being kids. And because outside circumstances were bearing down on me I didn't have the patients or state of mind to meet them where they were.

I look at that time now with some regret, however I like to think I've learned something important.

Surely if I have my own shit together, if I have taken the time to do the work on myself I can respond in a better way?

What's The Point?

I accept now, that the work I need to do is on me. My kids shouldn't have to do a dance to keep me happy.

But what if I'm wrong?

What if a good shouting match is exactly what our kids need to keep them in their place? For them to recognise right from wrong, to understand where the line is?

That's what we tell ourselves right? That's how we rationalise our often aggressive behaviour, all the while failing to see the emotional damage that is building in our kids.

Just like it did with us.

The truth of the matter is that this old world idea of insisting on obedience, for them to do what they're told, to keep to the rules, is massively counterproductive.

Kids learn from what we do, how we behave, how we are with them and not from the rules we give them.

They build their emotional skill set by virtue of their interactions with the world and so everytime we lose the plot we are essentially saying;

“Now children, this is how you cope with difficult things, ok? Other people are responsible for how you feel so the more you can control other people's behaviour the better life will be, get it?. Now, you do as you are told and you'll make me happy”.

We know enough from lifelong research by people like John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth to understand the importance of a stable upbringing for children in forming later life relationships.

Unfortunately, not many of us are exposed to this information.

Child Parent Cooperation

The days when it was normal and acceptable to hit badly behaved children are thankfully mostly gone.

But many of us fail to understand the emotional hurt we impose on our kids by behaving with them the way we do.

In 1951, John Bowlby published a report on behalf of The World Health Organisation titled Maternal Care & Mental Health where he challenged the popular view of the time; “spare the rod, spoil the child”.

Bowlby was ahead of his time.

Almost 70 years later, even though most of us don't hit our kids, perhaps we can apply this challenge to how we speak and otherwise interact with our kids.

“The basic principles of this theory of the origins of mental health…is that the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate and continuous relationship with [its] mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment. Given this relationship the emotions of anxiety and guilt which in excess characterise mental ill-health, will develop in a moderate and organised way.” – John Bowlby, 1952

Emotional hurt persists in our many of our children developing into often damaging neurosis later in life.

So we've got to be conscious of ourselves if we are to give our children the necessary emotional tools to deal with challenging life circumstances.

Interestingly, most of us parents believe we are here to teach our kids about the big bad world and how best to navigate it.

We think the onus is on us to teach them, not the other way around.

In large part we've taken the rules, beliefs, rights and wrongs that our parents gave us and in turn we hand down to them.

So far in this thing we're doing together it has been my experience that it is really a cooperation – a two way street. Or at least it should be.

What we're actually doing here is building something together and if we could only get beyond our own arrogance and self interest maybe we'd get the real benefit of the parent child relationship.

Getting It Right

There's no getting this relationship thing 100% right.

We've simply got to become more self aware and resign to work on the only thing that really matters – ourselves.

I believe there is no such thing as a bad child, only a bad environment. If the environment and the care of a child's parents are not such that they can develop in a healthy way, then they won't.

Although nature plays a big role, our kids are in large part a product of their environment.

You and I are a significant part of that environment.

We've got to understand what pushes our buttons. We've got to take responsibility for that and not expect our kids to perform like dancing monkeys just to keep us happy.

From the perspective of this parent, the only job I have is on me. Then I can only have a positive influence on my kids.

I fuck things up, I make bad calls. I lose my cool when I should be more stable, sure I do, we all do.

But if we can't see that the problem is over here, then we can't give our kids what they really need. – The confidence and security to informed decisions with a calm head when times get tough.

So what's the purpose of this parent child relationship?

I believe it's about growth for both of us. That's the nature of all relationship.

I still want quiet at night however. And like I said earlier, I found a way to get what I want and give them something too.

It's called a “tick chart”.

Essentially, they each have a chart pinned to their wardrobe. It has the days Monday to Sunday and their target is 5 ticks per day, 35 ticks per week.

If they get 35 tick on their chart then they get a cert. 4 certs equals rewards like go-carting, Awesome Walls, cinema and Eddie Rockets.

Stuff like that.

They get ticks for doing jobs for mam and dad, and most importantly, staying quiet at bedtime.

We're no longer forcing them to do stuff, they are encouraged to do those things without prompting

It works.

It gives them goals to pursue and it give me and the missus the valuable quiet time at night.

It's a win win and that's what all relationships should strive for.