I have come to the tentative conclusion, as I sit here this evening in my quiet illusion, that the more real I am to myself, the more ambitious I am, the greater my need to fulfil, and the faster I need to move to fulfil it.
It's full on, full speed.
My reality seems wafer thin, and if I slow down or stop, I'll fall straight in, to what I don't know. Oblivion perhaps? A deep dark grave buried alive and no way out. Or endlessly falling through a Mandelbrot set.
So I keep moving.
Goal after goal, after goal, after goal, an endless pursuit of what I don't know. Because whatever I got, what I thought it was, it was not.
The more real I seem to be the harder life gets, the more other people matter and their actions hurt. The more I need shields to deflect.
So I come up with interesting ways to cope.
The less real I am, in contrast, the less I'm scared, the less I'm anxious and worried, the less I'm inclined to break down.
I don't mind silence, being alone, and ignored. In fact, I invite those things in, never bored.
I'm more and more below the surface, or is it that I'm way above? I can't tell. Regardless, it's slower here, I see more, less absurd.
It's quieter, less frantic.
More real.
Larry,
I was a very fearful child and decided as an adult that fear was not compatible with who I knew my authentic self to be. Reading you today sent me scurrying in many directions. It was not until your final question that I realized that our coping mechanisms were very similar. I have aimed for a place above the surface , somewhere in the clouds since childhood.
At 21, I began meditation. For the past 46 years I have been steadying myself in my own orbit as it were and simply keeping an eye on all of the shenanigans below.
I also rely heavily on serendipity.
Sitting mostly in quarantine these days, your personal reflections inspire me to have a bit more faith in humanity.
Thank you!
Vanessa
Hello Vanessa, I like to write. I like it perhaps more, people like you who take the time to read and comment. Many thanks for your kind words, it make this more worthwhile.
Regards, and keep well,
Larry